A Day at the Office

As soon as my alarm went off this morning, I knew it was going to be just one of those days. After working a ten hour shift at BJs serving nachos and Bud Light draft to happy “Sunday Funday” enthusiasts, half-drunk-half-hungover, I fell into my ice cold bed and switched my electric blanket to the hottest setting. This was around two in the morning. Almost five hours later, I woke up thinking about how to get ready the fastest way possible so I could sleep just a little longer. Realizing that no matter how early I woke up I would still be running late, I decided to forgo the usual snooze button ritual and just get up.

The walk to the green line was only half-bad considering it snowed only a day and half ago. What I remember to be a white, smooth and fluffy pillow of snow is now brown, chunky slush / slippery ice. I only half-fell twice on my walk up and to my surprise the train arrived right after I did. I felt relieved when I realized that I might just make it to work on time today…but then that moment passed as soon as I saw the train was packed so tight that people were smashed up against every window with bulging eyes and a slight sense of panic in their faces. My claustrophobia almost prevented me from boarding the train but lucky for me (and for my fellow train riders), some people exited and made just enough room for me to squeeze in without the risk of my face becoming a permanent fixture on this six trains window. For some reason, when its cold outside the people of MTA think the trains need to be heated even though the sheer amount of body heat, wool and tweed on one car could keep a small country warm.

This brings me to my theory on why New Yorkers are always sick; hot, cold, hot, cold, combined with no toilet seat covers in the bathrooms and the obnoxious amount of people who seem to consciously wipe their noses and touch things. For this reason, I avoid touching anything on the train, doorknobs or faucets unless there is no other choice.

So I got to the temp agency just in time, 8 a.m. And I am the first person to sign in; which means I will get sent out on a job for sure. But, after an hour of reading about Robert Pattinson and admiring all the shiny fashion advertising in Vanity Fair I started to doubt if I would leave that fluffy blue chair before five. Then the lady with all the power called my name and sent me on my way. IT Design needs a receptionist and apparently I am the girl for the job. I get a little nervous knowing I made it seem like I have more reception experience than I actually do…but really, how hard can it be?

So I walk in and a girl in a brown fur coat that smells like fur sits me at a desk and explains how the phone works, not too bad. Then after a couple minutes she gives me seven gift boxes to pack and wrap with their holiday gifts nestled neatly inside. If there is one thing that I hate, its wrapping presents. I hate all things “wrap” and prefer to give presents in bags with handles and cute glittery tissue billowing out of it. Don’t get me wrong, if someone wants to wrap something for me (anything really), no problem…but I’m a bag wrapper. So at this point, I started dreading this day. But, seven boxes only took me about 20 minutes to complete and that was all they had for me. When I say “all,” I mean all. My only job was to answer the phone and transfer calls. I’m all for getting paid to do nothing; I just wish I had brought that Vanity Fair with me. So after a few minutes, I begin to stare into the only picture in the office; a black and white photo of a forest. And as I’m walking through the imaginary green silky grass toward my red convertible corvette, I so conspicuously parked deep in the forest among the thick pine trees; I try to figure out how I got there on the barely visible dirt path my imaginary tires made. This doesn’t work, however. There really is no way I would ever drive to the middle of the forest and park and then get out and walk around by myself…and I would never be seen driving a corvette. So I daze off into the fake orange and pink daisies on my desk and wonder how long it will take me to get a job I can’t daydream at.

The phone breaks my concentration and I answer, “IT Design, how may I help you?” Because this company is primarily India-based and has a large amount of Indian clientele and Indian business partners, I have a hard time understanding the name of the person the customer wants to speak with. “Kit-is” she says, “I need Kit-is.” At least “Kit-is” is what I hear. I look down the list of people for something that looks like “Kit-is.” Nothing. So I accidently hang up. After a couple minutes of panic, the phone rings again. Her again. This time I ask her to spell the name of the person she needs. “K-S-H-I-T-I-Z, she spells, and I find it on the list. I don’t feel so bad when I hear the brown fur coat girl giggling at me. She says it’s always funny when someone comes to help out. I guess I’m glad I can provide some entertainment on this otherwise mundane afternoon. And this is how my day went on. After a while, the names became familiar and I didn’t feel like I was offending every person I came in contact with. With only about three phone calls an hour, I did a lot of staring and counting ceiling tiles. Toward the end of the day, I decided to stare at the clock and try to count the seconds at exactly the same rate the second hand was moving along. I was always taught, “One-Mississippi” was equal to one second. But today, “One-Mississippi” seemed like “One-Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Indeed, a long day at the office. At 4:20, they decide to close up ( I don’t speculate as to why…), and I am literally ecstatic for the extra 40 minutes of my life I had deemed lost forever.

I guess reception is just not my thing. Hopefully tomorrow brings a new adventure, perhaps one that takes me down to the Meat-Packing District or Fifth Avenue…perhaps?

Every Morsel Counts

The summer days were amazing. The hours were full of beautiful lively trees blowing in the sweet breeze, lush green grass and the thick scent of flowers and sunscreen. New Yorkers basking in the hot, hot sun scattered like raindrops all over the Great Lawn playing football, throwing Frisbees and reading magazines…all in a summer’s day. Tourists took over the city in troves and locals left to the Hamptons for their much needed escape from the heat on those extra hot weekends.

The fall has a special allure. Brisk walks don’t feel so hard with the thinning air. The leaves are yellow or orange, even red. Every gust of air seems to have 400 leaves floating down escaping life stuck on the branches, to fall to the sidewalks creating a crispy cover for New Yorkers to walk upon and kick up. The tourists have escaped the city before the most beautiful time of year. The locals can’t help but enjoy the peacefulness the change in the trees provides and the Hamptons are deserted for life among concrete and trains until next summer rears its dreadfully gorgeous head again.

All of this is true about New York; at least that’s what I’ve heard. I remember a couple days like this. But as far as details, it’s all hear-say. See, for most of the summer, I was stuck in bed typing along on my computer hoping for a glimpse of the guy I called my boyfriend, who lived an hour and a half away. I was neglecting my job search, I was neglecting my aspirations, I was sad and lonely. I thought it was all part of the transition of moving to a new city. I wasn’t really thinking about enjoying the seasons, I was only thinking about this man and me, and making it work. I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did this past summer. I needed my friends more than ever. I needed a life outside of him, but couldn’t make it happen. I was pathetic, I was sad, I was ridiculous. I don’t usually admit I regret anything; I’m one of those “I don’t regret anything cause I learned from it” kind of people, but I regret letting myself feel so sad and lonely.

As New York approaches the end of fall, I have finally got to enjoy the weather and get out of my bed ridden computer funk. Running through Central Park in the fall is more beautiful than I could have imagined. The trunks of the trees seem so dark and cold with their hard black exterior. But as I look up and into their outstretched bodies among the man-made forest, I see the bright yellow leaves clinging on for dear life. I see squirrels frolicking so freely among the branches hoping the acorns don’t disappear too quickly as their very existence rests on savoring every last morsel. And, as I jog along, I realize my life is very similar to the squirrels; I’m free to do whatever I wish, and if I have to grab every small piece of hope from the trees as I can, I will make it through the winter and perhaps make it the life I always wanted. And I’m grateful for every morsel.

I Choose My Choice!! Or Do I???

It’s crazy how really TIMING is EVERYTHING. Especially nowadays with this economy and how everyone is so fluid and flaky. People are moving in and out of New York like it’s the thing to do….like its pumpkin pancake day at IHOP. And although it’s probably the best time rent-wise to move here, it’s the worst time money-wise. Rent is low but you still can’t afford it without a decent job. Where and when do you get that balance? I’m having a crazy time with just that right now. But…making it work, so far.

It’s crazy to think how one conversation can change your life and send you off to another place. My friend in San Francisco was just talking to some random Joe Blow and the next week she had a job…in New York. And not just any job; a job in fashion…a job she wants…a job she can survive on here. And just by talking to someone.

Its crazy to think that even small things are affected by this time thing…like when I was running up and down stairs the other day (trying to be Beyonce) and I glanced up one time cause I heard some dude say something…and the next thing I know I’m tumbling down the stairs and trying not to cry. If only he would have talked 5 seconds later…I would have been gone! I blame him for my swollen ankle.

It’s mostly crazy to think that I can somehow challenge this whole timing thing and make it work to my benefit. Like I have a choice in the matter… I feel like I make choices all the time that affect my life in profound ways, but in the end…things always happen for a reason. So, is this reason already predestined? Am I really making my own choice…and if I’m not what’s the purpose of having a brain and thinking things through? It seems like all my choices are supposed to lead me somewhere. Things happen for a reason…an undisclosed reason because the universe has something in store for me, or something like that.

Hope is all I can do…hope that it will all work out in the end and the answers will come. Even if it doesn’t feel right at the time, I still have my choice to take it or leave it until I get what I want. The universe may have something in store for me, but I guess it’s my life-highway and I can choose to take a detour at any time and make it more interesting, even if the destination is still going to be the same.

And Her Name is Lucky

Today was a lovely fall day. The leaves are still green. The sky is gray, as I’ve been told it will be for most of the remaining year and into next. The air today was moist and cool. There was a light drizzle coming from the clouds all day. It’s perfect weather for me. Clear skies would feel wrong. I like the rain…surprisingly. I thought I would hate it since I came from the two states on the west coast that get hardly any precipitation. But, it suits me. I find myself excited for fall. Not just for the clothes. But, for the warm blankets and fluffy pillows I get to wake up in every morning (or afternoon). For hot chocolate, big coffee mugs and brothy soups. For the walks in the park watching the leaves change from green to orange and yellow. For cuddling up next to the heater and wearing long socks and beanies. Okay…and definitely for the clothes. I mean who doesn’t love wearing coats and boots? It’s just so fashionable…well if you have fashionable ones anyway…

Six (and a half) more months and I’ll have been in New York for a year. They say it takes a year before you make any friends or get a decent job or an apartment in the neighborhood you like. I can see that. I didn’t believe it until now. But it’s become painstakingly clear that “they” are right. New York can be a lonely city. I see people walking by themselves all day, everyday. I see people eating by themselves and watching movies by themselves. It’s all very new to me. I never ate a meal by myself before I moved here. I actually judged those people who did, and felt for sorry for them. But, for some reason, it’s not out of the norm in New York City. I really can’t tell if people even care about it. It seems like it is sometimes the only way to sit down and not think for a minute; to get a moment of peace in a city where nothing is peaceful. To not have to talk to anyone or think about where you’re going next for 30 minutes is like a mini vacation…for them. I suppose I will see in six (and a half) more months.

I was talking to one of the girls at work today about homeless people. I was telling her how last night I was walking home from work and this guy came up to me and asked me for food or ANYTHING I could give. I was so rude to him. I said a quick and mean, “NO” and kept walking. Halfway down the block, I stopped and turned back. I realized that I don’t want to be that person. This guy asked me for FOOD, not money. And, he is a person; a hungry person. So, I gave him a granola bar I had stuffed in my bag. I have never seen someone so grateful…and for just a granola bar. As I was walking home, I kept picturing how his face lit up when he saw me coming back…like I was some beacon of hope or something. And, I couldn’t help but think how stupid and selfish I am. Here I am feeling bad for myself because I don’t have a “real” job…when this guy is on the street and begging for food. It could be so much worse. And it is so much worse for so many others. I am lucky to have what I have. I don’t know why I never just realized that and been grateful. I guess, sometimes it just takes someone else to point it out. My someone else is the granola bar guy.

So I have a feeling tomorrow will be like today; gray, lonely, and full of self realization. I think I’ll sleep late, have some hot chocolate and go for a walk in the park in hopes of catching some color changing in the trees….while wearing a beanie and boots of course.

Sara Bareilles and I should be best friends

"Come Round Soon"



I could use another cigarette
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you
Like you were mine

All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder though
You've barely spoken
Oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
(He'll come round soon I know)
You may be my final match
'Cause I chase everything when you play
Throw and I play catch
It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me you miss me
You need me
This hungry heart will not subside

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
Until I see him again
I'm staying believing
That it won't be deceiving
When he's gonna come round

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart
I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today
Well who needs angels anyway?

Here We Go Again

On the eve of my faux-25th birthday, I sit here and contemplate the next steps I should/need/want/dread to take to make my life.

I should be looking for a job that will undoubtedly take me to the next step in my so-called career path. At this ripe old age, I could be so much more. By trying to not dwell on that, and only going over it in my head a few hundred times a day in the last week, I have accomplished nothing but disappointment. A promising internship with one of the most prestigious and well-known publishing companies is out of my reach and only because I am not currently enrolled in college and earning college credit for it. Just my luck. It’s all about who you know and who knows you…unless you have already graduated. Unless…

I need to do ALL my laundry. I have officially run out of clean towels and sheets. And, with a good friend sleeping in my bed and using my shower for the next week, I should clean them for her…if not for myself. I really don’t want to. I just want to be lazy. And I want to keep the reminders of why my sheets and towels are all dirty. After all, memories are all I have most of the time. And they are all good I must say. For the rest of my clothes, I could really care less. I have enough clothes to last me a month and a half without wearing the same thing twice. ….Ahhh, Retail therapy is the best kind. And, I still believe it’s cheaper than paying to tell a complete stranger your thoughts...and there’s always that young girl helping you out in the fitting room who wants to hear all your drama, or at least she acts like it.

I want to just sit here and sip my over-rated grande extra hot vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 days for the hundredth time. What is it about this movie that makes me want to watch it over and over like I did with Lion King and The Little Mermaid when I was younger? There are no songs to sing along to or monkeys and hyenas to laugh at….just Mathew Mcconaughey and Kate Hudson in the typical romantic comedy script and New York setting. It’s all fairytale. Maybe that’s what I like about it. The thing they have in common is losing something and then longing for it and then going after it. I guess that’s the story of my life. I wonder what my movie would be called. “Here We Go Again.”

I dread the thought of the last five hour work day before my week vacation in the smell of puke, Jack Daniels and BBQ sauce. I find when I get home now that I smell like marinated pork products and nachos with baked beans. It’s a feeling that I haven’t had since I worked at the local pizza place during my last year at River Valley High. The smell of food in your hair, all over your body, in your pores…its unappetizing and makes me feel like taking a scalding hot shower in the middle of the summer. And in my bathroom, with no vents or fans…that is just asking to die of heat exhaustion. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

But, all of these things will happen today….undoubtedly. Well except for actually watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. It will just play in the background as I fold my clothes and prepare for the arrival of one of my favorite friends. Happy Birthday to me.

Love on The Rocks

One part me and one part you….a mix that tastes and feels so good.

As soon as it hits my lips, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling. It burns to the touch but tickles my nose and gives me butterflies. With each encounter I want more and more.

I sip it slow cause it’s so nice. I can take it down with one gulp, but don’t want to let go of that high. It’s cold as ice, but warms the heart at all the right times.

One more, that’s all I need…at least that’s why I proceed. Even as the blindness starts, tongue-tied and twisted, I can’t say no. My senses disabled, I have no idea where to go.

Headache and Heartache are inevitable. In a daze, the memories come and go. Good and bad but unforgettable. Flashing lights and crooked signs, it’s crazy to go on this time.

One part me and one part you…dangerous if it’s too much.

We’re a lovely creation. At times it’s hard to see. I can’t help myself and crave the mix of joy and pain you give me.

My friends say I look better without you. I just pretend I’m listening and do it again. It’s hard to say where you’ll take me. Forget the truth, this feels too good.

Even when I don’t want to, it’s hard to control. Something is bringing me back to you. All my fragile strength is gone and I need you. Please hold me back or let me go.

Here I am with one more shot, one more try. One last chance to feel that high. One last sip and then I’m gone. I really am not all that strong.

Here’s to hoping for the best.

One part me and one part you....

And Your Heart Will Have Peace

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.” --Kent Nerburn

This quote made me cry the first time I read it. With every sentence I read, more and more I realized that I was meant to find this tonight. The first thing I thought was to post the quote on facebook. But when it didn’t fit in my “status,” I was suddenly motivated to write a blog about it.

When I came to New York, it was completely selfish. It was a choice I made based on the fact that I felt like nothing where I was. My career had gone nowhere since I graduated from college, my friends were moving on and up…finding love, finding jobs, finding themselves. And I wasn’t. Being here, with no one else, still makes me feel like nothing. I have found myself…and I’m not happy with the discovery.

But, this is not a pity party I invited you to; this is going to be a happy story filled with motivation and inspiration.

Today, I am working at a job that I know I am better than. I have a Bachelors degree that I have not put to use since I achieved it. I have passions and skills that are wasting away with every humid hateful day. I’ve been looking for jobs, but not really applying to them. And, when I do apply, I feel like I manifest my own destiny. I don’t follow through, I sit here thinking I’m not going to get it because there’s people out there that are better than me. When in reality, anyone unemployed right now probably feels the same rejection I felt when they lost their job, feels like there’s thousands upon thousands of people vying for the same position and feels useless against the onslaught of a deeper and deeper recession and dwindling job market. But like Kent said, “we are children of chance and none can say why some fields blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun.” Our lives depend on chance. It depends on where we go, who we meet, what we say…

Tomorrow, there is something I can do to increase my chances, and that is to make a choice. To choose to be one of the unemployed wanderers of Central Park, or be the weekend Central Park go-er…who has an eight o’clock appointment with the 6 train everyday on her way to work. This choice is made when I decide to dig deeper within myself and find the confidence to go for it. My motivation is coming from a current situation I’m in. I know someone that is doing this for himself everyday; stressing about it and searching for the way out, just like I should be. It’s funny because I am trying to be motivating to him, and I am not even doing it for myself. “Give in any way you can.”

Recently, I was put in a situation where I had to choose my pride and principal or a friendship that I’ve always cared deeply for. The things that were said and the choices that were made were incomprehensible to me. I felt hurt and so mad. I felt like everything I have ever done was of no matter. All the trust I built over the years meant nothing. It’s crazy the things that you learn about people when you’re with them everyday. And, I’m actually happy for it. Not only did I see my friendship in a different light, but I saw myself on a whole other level. I saw the things I would give up for someone else and I saw how it would hurt everyone involved and without repair. I didn’t choose my pride and principal, I chose my friendship. I know that it’s hard for people to have the tolerance I have or to be open-minded the way I was taught. I know that my choices in life have brought different light into my life that I can’t always expect from others. Everybody is different and although it might not always be easy, the way you react to things says everything about you…and we have to keep that in mind. “Look past your differences.” I can only hope to bring a different light to their lives.

I beat myself up on a daily basis for the things I do. And I still don’t know what’s wrong or right or if I have made the right choices in the last few months. But, I know that being selfish has no happy ending. If you’re selfish, you will end up alone. I’ve realized as a young adult (just turning 25), that if I care about someone, I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I have been told that I’m too nice and I have to be careful of people who will take advantage and use me as a doormat. I hear it, and I’ve actually been through it enough to know that I should know better. I have always been a forgiving person and see no detriment except that the wall around me gets a little taller each time. But, it’s not hard to break through. It’s hideously beautiful, I think. “To give is to love.” And love I am.

So why is this quote so different tonight? Why do I think I found it tonight for a reason? Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I’ve been staring at emails I sent to myself for positions in publishing. I also had a pre-mature conversation that really made me think about what I want in life. And, although this quote doesn’t totally help me there; it helped me realize that I have so much to look forward to. And although, the past few months have been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions, it will all be worth it in the end. This quote reminds me of who I am and the way I think. And, that there’s nothing wrong with me. I have always lived by this. It makes me know that it’s okay to not always harvest your own growth. I think people are put in others lives for a reason. I know that I have given and given to so many people. Some people were just born givers and some people takers. And I realize that it is not where I am, but who I am and what I can give that matters. It helps me to not hold things against myself and know that in the end, I will be happy that I always gave it my all. “Your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”

Being scared never looked good on me

I’m so afraid of everything and I have no idea why…

Maybe, I have a problem with commitment.

I will find a great job and then not post my resume because I feel like if I think this job is great then everyone else will too, and I don’t measure up to them. I’m scared of the yet another rejection. Or I’m scared that I’ll accept a position and then find out it’s not right for me…yet again. I don’t want to waste any more time at any new job…but I can’t commit to one area of interest, one path, one job title…I feel like I’m interested in so many things and I have no idea what to do with myself. I have passion for writing and passion for the fashion industry…but what if that passion doesn’t translate? Then…I’ll get fired again? Or I’ll have to start over again. It sucks to feel this way and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I guess just realizing I have a problem is the first step.

I know I seem confident in everything I do, but I’m not…its fake…I don’t know how to make what is projected, reality.

Also, I always thought it was the guys I date that were the problem, but I’m starting to realize that it’s me. I start to like someone and then right when they like me, I find something wrong, or I don’t feel right about it for some reason. I thought I was having this struggle right now, on a very small level, but I’m not. There is nothing wrong…nothing at all. I think I just get scared and try to find things to change my mind about how I feel. I don’t want to do it anymore. And I know that everything happens for a reason and that in the past, it was probably my intuition kicking in and telling me “no.” I feel like I will know when it’s right. I’m always looking for that spark, that magic, that connection. I feel it all, and I’m scared.

In reality, I know that given a chance, I can make things happen…I can be who I want to be. I’m just so in my head right now, I can’t even sleep…I get anxious and nervous and get hot then cold…I’ve never been like this. I’m usually so calm and collected. What is it that got into my head to make me feel this way?

The weight of everything on my shoulders needs to be lifted. I’ll find a way. I always do.

(This really should be part of a journal entry, but I feel like if I just tell everyone, it will go away.)

The Flake, The Liar and the One who Thought he had it like that

Three different men.
Two different days.
One thing in common.

So, I’ve been in New York for a little over a month now. I’ve learned a few things, gone a few places and spent no money on shoes (sad face). Today, we’re talking about what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that Saturday nights make me sad because on my way home from work, I walk by many bars and restaurants where people are out with their significant other or their buddies…and I’m not out doing the same things; I’m walking home, alone. I’ve also learned that no matter how much I think that all this walking is working off all the unhealthy food I eat, it’s not…so Amy will start working out THIS WEEK. I’ve learned a lot more, but, I’m gonna get to the point of this blog now.

I’ve been on three dates since I’ve been here…three…and this is the impression I’ve gotten: NY men are douchebags. Well, being the girl I am, I’m gonna add a “so far” in there.

Date numero uno: The Flake. We met the first weekend I was here, at a club, in classic “Amy style.” But we didn’t actually go on a date until a month after I was here…why is that? Well we made plans for the Tuesday after I met him, but he never called to tell me what we were doing or what time. Then he apologized through text saying he was really, really sick and that we should plan on going out the next week. Then, no phone call again. When I text him, “you must be sick again.” He replies with, “no, it’s my week of rest.” (he’s Jewish apparently). Then we finally talk on the phone a week later and he asks me out to lunch the next day. But, then…I get a text saying he has a meeting to go to so we need to schedule it for the day after instead. So, surprise surprise when he calls to say he’s going to be over an hour late to lunch. For those of you that know me, you know I hate flakes…therefore, no matter how good the date was, I was only there for the free food.

Date numero dos: The Liar. We met at work. Another way that has been proven unworthy of an actual relationship… He was funny, he was sweet, he dresses the way I like, he talks the way I talk, he gets me, I get him. We talk for a good five hours….I’m barely working and so is he. We’re clicking…or so I thought. I get home from work and am going over the details with my roommate who I curse for never mentioning this man to me, when she says, “wait, what’s his name??” And then her mouth drops when she hears my reply. “Umm…Amy, he’s married.” No way! Not after all the clicking!! So, the next day, just like he says he will, he comes to visit me at work. I talked to him a little, but all I wanted to say was “why didn’t you tell me you were married?” (we talked about how we were single and our dating styles). And then, he came in the next day too. This time, he so casually asked me to go to the movies…or he invited himself along with me cause I had mentioned I don’t go alone…something like that. I immediately called my roommate and told her that she MUST come with us so she can say something about the “married” thing. And so, I surprised him with my roommate and her husband who he has talked to about his wife on many occasions to. It was very delightfully awkward. Then, my roommate asked him, “what’s going on?” He replies, “Oh, just hanging out with her.” And points to me. Oh how satisfying it is to capture someone in a lie! Then after the movie, I start to feel bad. Like, maybe I shouldn’t have done that because he told the roomies that it had been over for a while. I start to understand that, maybe he didn’t want to talk to someone he had only known for 5 hours about his issues. I understand…but a lie is a lie.

Date numero tres: the one who thought he had it like that. This date was accidental. This date happened on the same day as date number one. This date was hilarious and very entertaining. Here’s how it happened: I’m at the Baitshack, I’m working, it’s late, I’m hanging out with the bouncer when I feel someone staring at me. So I search the crowd and find him. He’s sitting at the bar and has a killer smile and eyes that say “daaaaaaaamn!” So I smile and go along with my job. But I keep catching his eye all night. I was so focused on the eyes that I didn’t even notice the girl he was talking to while he was looking at me. So immediately, I go over to my bouncer, Sam, and tell him about this. They guy (Justin) sees that we are obviously talking about him and comes up to me. He says, “What are you guys talking about?” I say, “I was just telling him about how much of a douchebag you are because you have been looking at me all night and you are obviously with that girl.” “Oh she’s just a friend. We came here to get a drink.” “Oh ok.” I say, with a smile. Then I observe. I observe, her all over him and him doing nothing to stop her. Then as he’s walking her out, he says, “I’ll be back in 5 to talk to you.” Wow! Men have some nerve. So I decided to mess with him. I stayed, I had a drink with him, flirted maliciously, made him think he’s gonna get something out of this, let him pay for my cab home, and then I didn’t give him my number or even a handshake goodbye. He just thought he had it like that.

So, needless to say, my impression of New York men, is not so good. But, if you all know me well enough, you know that I could care less. I’m always the optimistic one. Well, until the New York cynicism hits me, I suppose. We will see if it has any long term effects. For now, all I have to say is, “NEXT!”

Running the New York Marathon

According to this article I found in New York Magazine, (http://nymag.com/news/features/56013/), its almost borderline-insane to move to New York right now. Yet people are still picking up and moving. Like myself. But why are all of us coming to the city? With all the closed-down stores I walk by, with all the competition in the job market, I am asking myself the same thing. Everyone I meet is asking me why I moved here. My answer is almost always a quick answer that leaves little room for questions, "Just to have the experience." And each time I answer with a smile, I'm wondering, "What is the real reason?"

I heard someone say to a girl, "Lemme ask you something...what are you running from?" And I thought to myself, "Could I be running?" Before I left California, I asked myself this question over and over, because I didn't want that to be the reason I left. And, I keep coming back to it; doubting my motive, again and again.

I've gone back and forth on the career path I am meant to take. I didn't come here for love like so many others. I don't have dreams of Broadway, Juilliard or the runway. Does a passion for fashion translate into a career? And, if it does, how does it?

So am I running? Maybe I am.

I would like to think I’m running toward something and not away from it. I’ve been really trying to focus on work and making a career for myself here. I’ve spent almost every day either walking around or on the internet looking at things. Everything is pointing toward the fashion industry. There are so many more options here for the fashion world and although I doubt my ability all the time, I truly feel like that’s the world I’ll be happy in.

So, I’m at the beginning of my marathon and the New York pavement has been hard on my shoes…but, I’m gonna keep on running…hopefully this path takes me down Fifth Avenue.

the first week

It takes a certain person to come to a city where theres over 8 million people, where the buildings provide a despised shelter from the sun and stars, where the subways, sidewalks, and cabs dictate where you go and when. So, it might be shocking that a small town girl would leave the sunsets, the stars and the beaches of Orange County and come to New York City in hopes of starting over and finding herself and a life that fits.

It still hasn't really hit me that I live here. I feel like I'm on vacation. I still feel like my friends are just a 20 minute drive away and that when I want to hang out, we can. I still feel excited that summer is coming and the beach is waiting for me. Maybe its cause I haven't really started working...maybe it's cause I don't have a bed yet...and maybe it's cause I haven't had a chance to make it my home yet cause I'm too busy running around trying not to get lost.

On the plane ride here, I felt happy and I felt at ease. Usually on the plane, I'm freaking out cause I hate flying. The only time I felt sad about leaving was when Hau dropped me off. It was the first time I really cried cause I realized that I was leaving my life and friendships with people I love and that neither would ever be the same again.

For the first couple of days, Kathy and Belinda were here so it really felt like a vacation. All we did was shop, eat and sleep. Thank goodness for good friends. I think the move would have been so much more shocking to me without them here.

The rest of the week, I spent most of the time searching for the perfect furniture for my new apartment and running around trying to find my way through the concrete jungle. My room is a little smaller than my last one, and although I have a closet, there's no way I can fit all my clothes and shoes in it. So, I have to flex my organization muscles and really do some thinking about furniture and storage...something I've never had to do. It's harder than you think, especially with a budget and 5 flights of stairs to climb with each new piece. And...IKEA is a cab and ferry ride away with a delivery charge that doubles the price of most items they carry. Needless to say, its been grueling.

The shopping is amazing. The other day, I was walking down Madison and saw my favorite shoe stores; Cesare Paciotti, Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, Guiseppe Zanotti, and Prada...one after another, there they were and I was smitten...I could not take the smile off my face for at least 6 blocks. I actually walked into Cesare Paciotti and was so happy that I talked to the sales girl about how much I loved these shoes and how excited I was to find the store just blocks from my apartment. I must of sounded like a crazy person. But, just flip through a fashion magazine and look at the ads for these shoes. They are bold, edgy, and seductive...everything I look for in a shoe. They are amazing. But, I must stay away from Madison...for that reason. Sadly. Also. sad is the fact that there's no Nordstrom here. But, Henri Bendel will suffice.

The city itself is amazing. There's something so carefree about it that I can't get over. Everyone minds their own business. I saw this old asian guy with a mohawk, bright green tights, and a leather jacket walking down 5th Ave. (5th Ave is the equivelent to Rodeo Drive in NY). Now, on Rodeo Drive...what do you think would have happened? Everyone would stare, point, laugh and talk shit about this person. But, not in New York! No one even looked twice, no one laughed, no one pointed. I think I was the only one who was actually shocked...and thats cause I'm from CA. Also, you know how in movies, you see people walking down the street singing and someone yells, "Shut the fuck up!!?" Yeah, that is reality. I've heard it twice now. And, most people are not as rude as they are made out to be. Sure you come across people that are grumpy and rude, but I think it's actually nice to not have some fake ass clerk at the grocery store acting like they care and calling me, Ms. Gates.

It's so exciting that I get to live among the openminded and carefree people of New York City.

Life here is so random and full of surprises. I think I can give up the sunsets and stars for life among the New Yorkers. There's always visits to CA to make up for the loss. I can't wait to see what happens!