I’m so afraid of everything and I have no idea why…
Maybe, I have a problem with commitment.
I will find a great job and then not post my resume because I feel like if I think this job is great then everyone else will too, and I don’t measure up to them. I’m scared of the yet another rejection. Or I’m scared that I’ll accept a position and then find out it’s not right for me…yet again. I don’t want to waste any more time at any new job…but I can’t commit to one area of interest, one path, one job title…I feel like I’m interested in so many things and I have no idea what to do with myself. I have passion for writing and passion for the fashion industry…but what if that passion doesn’t translate? Then…I’ll get fired again? Or I’ll have to start over again. It sucks to feel this way and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I guess just realizing I have a problem is the first step.
I know I seem confident in everything I do, but I’m not…its fake…I don’t know how to make what is projected, reality.
Also, I always thought it was the guys I date that were the problem, but I’m starting to realize that it’s me. I start to like someone and then right when they like me, I find something wrong, or I don’t feel right about it for some reason. I thought I was having this struggle right now, on a very small level, but I’m not. There is nothing wrong…nothing at all. I think I just get scared and try to find things to change my mind about how I feel. I don’t want to do it anymore. And I know that everything happens for a reason and that in the past, it was probably my intuition kicking in and telling me “no.” I feel like I will know when it’s right. I’m always looking for that spark, that magic, that connection. I feel it all, and I’m scared.
In reality, I know that given a chance, I can make things happen…I can be who I want to be. I’m just so in my head right now, I can’t even sleep…I get anxious and nervous and get hot then cold…I’ve never been like this. I’m usually so calm and collected. What is it that got into my head to make me feel this way?
The weight of everything on my shoulders needs to be lifted. I’ll find a way. I always do.
(This really should be part of a journal entry, but I feel like if I just tell everyone, it will go away.)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey darling,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I feel like I'm struggling with who I am and who I want to be on a daily basis. And lately I feel like I'm not where I should be in my life and I need to make some changes to figure out what that is. Like you said, it's great that you're realizing these things now... and I'm confident that in time and with some thorough self-evaluation, you will know who you are and what you need to do to get to where you want to be in life. And if that's not enough, well, I guess, try to relax and don't be so hard on yourself. I tend to stress out about every little detail, but I forget that there's never just ONE right way to do things. Every decision we make affects who we become and I think you will eventually realize who you are and be happy with who you see in the mirror. Smile, babe! You have a beautiful smile! :)
Am,
ReplyDeleteI love you! And I love your writings- YOU ARE a GREAT writer! Don't be so hard on yourself. You just need a little more of one word, "FAITH!" That's it sister! Go with Mike and Bridget to Church I promise you can find what you are missing. Thanks for allowing me to post a comment. Love you, Selena
The part about finding flaws in guys may be telling of your readiness for commitment. You're so free and have so much to experience! You just got to NY, so maybe that's the I-have-too-much-to-live-for-to-limit-myself Amy seeking those gaps in charm and character (and let's be honest, those gaps are huge and very real!)
ReplyDeleteAnd you're so right that you're just trapped in your head. What tools can you use to get out? Ipod? Movie? Volunteer work? A cozy crime novel? What can you do to shift your attention just long enough to get a grip and move forward?