One part me and one part you….a mix that tastes and feels so good.
As soon as it hits my lips, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling. It burns to the touch but tickles my nose and gives me butterflies. With each encounter I want more and more.
I sip it slow cause it’s so nice. I can take it down with one gulp, but don’t want to let go of that high. It’s cold as ice, but warms the heart at all the right times.
One more, that’s all I need…at least that’s why I proceed. Even as the blindness starts, tongue-tied and twisted, I can’t say no. My senses disabled, I have no idea where to go.
Headache and Heartache are inevitable. In a daze, the memories come and go. Good and bad but unforgettable. Flashing lights and crooked signs, it’s crazy to go on this time.
One part me and one part you…dangerous if it’s too much.
We’re a lovely creation. At times it’s hard to see. I can’t help myself and crave the mix of joy and pain you give me.
My friends say I look better without you. I just pretend I’m listening and do it again. It’s hard to say where you’ll take me. Forget the truth, this feels too good.
Even when I don’t want to, it’s hard to control. Something is bringing me back to you. All my fragile strength is gone and I need you. Please hold me back or let me go.
Here I am with one more shot, one more try. One last chance to feel that high. One last sip and then I’m gone. I really am not all that strong.
Here’s to hoping for the best.
One part me and one part you....
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
And Your Heart Will Have Peace
Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.” --Kent Nerburn
This quote made me cry the first time I read it. With every sentence I read, more and more I realized that I was meant to find this tonight. The first thing I thought was to post the quote on facebook. But when it didn’t fit in my “status,” I was suddenly motivated to write a blog about it.
When I came to New York, it was completely selfish. It was a choice I made based on the fact that I felt like nothing where I was. My career had gone nowhere since I graduated from college, my friends were moving on and up…finding love, finding jobs, finding themselves. And I wasn’t. Being here, with no one else, still makes me feel like nothing. I have found myself…and I’m not happy with the discovery.
But, this is not a pity party I invited you to; this is going to be a happy story filled with motivation and inspiration.
Today, I am working at a job that I know I am better than. I have a Bachelors degree that I have not put to use since I achieved it. I have passions and skills that are wasting away with every humid hateful day. I’ve been looking for jobs, but not really applying to them. And, when I do apply, I feel like I manifest my own destiny. I don’t follow through, I sit here thinking I’m not going to get it because there’s people out there that are better than me. When in reality, anyone unemployed right now probably feels the same rejection I felt when they lost their job, feels like there’s thousands upon thousands of people vying for the same position and feels useless against the onslaught of a deeper and deeper recession and dwindling job market. But like Kent said, “we are children of chance and none can say why some fields blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun.” Our lives depend on chance. It depends on where we go, who we meet, what we say…
Tomorrow, there is something I can do to increase my chances, and that is to make a choice. To choose to be one of the unemployed wanderers of Central Park, or be the weekend Central Park go-er…who has an eight o’clock appointment with the 6 train everyday on her way to work. This choice is made when I decide to dig deeper within myself and find the confidence to go for it. My motivation is coming from a current situation I’m in. I know someone that is doing this for himself everyday; stressing about it and searching for the way out, just like I should be. It’s funny because I am trying to be motivating to him, and I am not even doing it for myself. “Give in any way you can.”
Recently, I was put in a situation where I had to choose my pride and principal or a friendship that I’ve always cared deeply for. The things that were said and the choices that were made were incomprehensible to me. I felt hurt and so mad. I felt like everything I have ever done was of no matter. All the trust I built over the years meant nothing. It’s crazy the things that you learn about people when you’re with them everyday. And, I’m actually happy for it. Not only did I see my friendship in a different light, but I saw myself on a whole other level. I saw the things I would give up for someone else and I saw how it would hurt everyone involved and without repair. I didn’t choose my pride and principal, I chose my friendship. I know that it’s hard for people to have the tolerance I have or to be open-minded the way I was taught. I know that my choices in life have brought different light into my life that I can’t always expect from others. Everybody is different and although it might not always be easy, the way you react to things says everything about you…and we have to keep that in mind. “Look past your differences.” I can only hope to bring a different light to their lives.
I beat myself up on a daily basis for the things I do. And I still don’t know what’s wrong or right or if I have made the right choices in the last few months. But, I know that being selfish has no happy ending. If you’re selfish, you will end up alone. I’ve realized as a young adult (just turning 25), that if I care about someone, I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I have been told that I’m too nice and I have to be careful of people who will take advantage and use me as a doormat. I hear it, and I’ve actually been through it enough to know that I should know better. I have always been a forgiving person and see no detriment except that the wall around me gets a little taller each time. But, it’s not hard to break through. It’s hideously beautiful, I think. “To give is to love.” And love I am.
So why is this quote so different tonight? Why do I think I found it tonight for a reason? Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I’ve been staring at emails I sent to myself for positions in publishing. I also had a pre-mature conversation that really made me think about what I want in life. And, although this quote doesn’t totally help me there; it helped me realize that I have so much to look forward to. And although, the past few months have been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions, it will all be worth it in the end. This quote reminds me of who I am and the way I think. And, that there’s nothing wrong with me. I have always lived by this. It makes me know that it’s okay to not always harvest your own growth. I think people are put in others lives for a reason. I know that I have given and given to so many people. Some people were just born givers and some people takers. And I realize that it is not where I am, but who I am and what I can give that matters. It helps me to not hold things against myself and know that in the end, I will be happy that I always gave it my all. “Your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”
This quote made me cry the first time I read it. With every sentence I read, more and more I realized that I was meant to find this tonight. The first thing I thought was to post the quote on facebook. But when it didn’t fit in my “status,” I was suddenly motivated to write a blog about it.
When I came to New York, it was completely selfish. It was a choice I made based on the fact that I felt like nothing where I was. My career had gone nowhere since I graduated from college, my friends were moving on and up…finding love, finding jobs, finding themselves. And I wasn’t. Being here, with no one else, still makes me feel like nothing. I have found myself…and I’m not happy with the discovery.
But, this is not a pity party I invited you to; this is going to be a happy story filled with motivation and inspiration.
Today, I am working at a job that I know I am better than. I have a Bachelors degree that I have not put to use since I achieved it. I have passions and skills that are wasting away with every humid hateful day. I’ve been looking for jobs, but not really applying to them. And, when I do apply, I feel like I manifest my own destiny. I don’t follow through, I sit here thinking I’m not going to get it because there’s people out there that are better than me. When in reality, anyone unemployed right now probably feels the same rejection I felt when they lost their job, feels like there’s thousands upon thousands of people vying for the same position and feels useless against the onslaught of a deeper and deeper recession and dwindling job market. But like Kent said, “we are children of chance and none can say why some fields blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun.” Our lives depend on chance. It depends on where we go, who we meet, what we say…
Tomorrow, there is something I can do to increase my chances, and that is to make a choice. To choose to be one of the unemployed wanderers of Central Park, or be the weekend Central Park go-er…who has an eight o’clock appointment with the 6 train everyday on her way to work. This choice is made when I decide to dig deeper within myself and find the confidence to go for it. My motivation is coming from a current situation I’m in. I know someone that is doing this for himself everyday; stressing about it and searching for the way out, just like I should be. It’s funny because I am trying to be motivating to him, and I am not even doing it for myself. “Give in any way you can.”
Recently, I was put in a situation where I had to choose my pride and principal or a friendship that I’ve always cared deeply for. The things that were said and the choices that were made were incomprehensible to me. I felt hurt and so mad. I felt like everything I have ever done was of no matter. All the trust I built over the years meant nothing. It’s crazy the things that you learn about people when you’re with them everyday. And, I’m actually happy for it. Not only did I see my friendship in a different light, but I saw myself on a whole other level. I saw the things I would give up for someone else and I saw how it would hurt everyone involved and without repair. I didn’t choose my pride and principal, I chose my friendship. I know that it’s hard for people to have the tolerance I have or to be open-minded the way I was taught. I know that my choices in life have brought different light into my life that I can’t always expect from others. Everybody is different and although it might not always be easy, the way you react to things says everything about you…and we have to keep that in mind. “Look past your differences.” I can only hope to bring a different light to their lives.
I beat myself up on a daily basis for the things I do. And I still don’t know what’s wrong or right or if I have made the right choices in the last few months. But, I know that being selfish has no happy ending. If you’re selfish, you will end up alone. I’ve realized as a young adult (just turning 25), that if I care about someone, I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I have been told that I’m too nice and I have to be careful of people who will take advantage and use me as a doormat. I hear it, and I’ve actually been through it enough to know that I should know better. I have always been a forgiving person and see no detriment except that the wall around me gets a little taller each time. But, it’s not hard to break through. It’s hideously beautiful, I think. “To give is to love.” And love I am.
So why is this quote so different tonight? Why do I think I found it tonight for a reason? Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I’ve been staring at emails I sent to myself for positions in publishing. I also had a pre-mature conversation that really made me think about what I want in life. And, although this quote doesn’t totally help me there; it helped me realize that I have so much to look forward to. And although, the past few months have been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions, it will all be worth it in the end. This quote reminds me of who I am and the way I think. And, that there’s nothing wrong with me. I have always lived by this. It makes me know that it’s okay to not always harvest your own growth. I think people are put in others lives for a reason. I know that I have given and given to so many people. Some people were just born givers and some people takers. And I realize that it is not where I am, but who I am and what I can give that matters. It helps me to not hold things against myself and know that in the end, I will be happy that I always gave it my all. “Your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”
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