I’m so afraid of everything and I have no idea why…
Maybe, I have a problem with commitment.
I will find a great job and then not post my resume because I feel like if I think this job is great then everyone else will too, and I don’t measure up to them. I’m scared of the yet another rejection. Or I’m scared that I’ll accept a position and then find out it’s not right for me…yet again. I don’t want to waste any more time at any new job…but I can’t commit to one area of interest, one path, one job title…I feel like I’m interested in so many things and I have no idea what to do with myself. I have passion for writing and passion for the fashion industry…but what if that passion doesn’t translate? Then…I’ll get fired again? Or I’ll have to start over again. It sucks to feel this way and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I guess just realizing I have a problem is the first step.
I know I seem confident in everything I do, but I’m not…its fake…I don’t know how to make what is projected, reality.
Also, I always thought it was the guys I date that were the problem, but I’m starting to realize that it’s me. I start to like someone and then right when they like me, I find something wrong, or I don’t feel right about it for some reason. I thought I was having this struggle right now, on a very small level, but I’m not. There is nothing wrong…nothing at all. I think I just get scared and try to find things to change my mind about how I feel. I don’t want to do it anymore. And I know that everything happens for a reason and that in the past, it was probably my intuition kicking in and telling me “no.” I feel like I will know when it’s right. I’m always looking for that spark, that magic, that connection. I feel it all, and I’m scared.
In reality, I know that given a chance, I can make things happen…I can be who I want to be. I’m just so in my head right now, I can’t even sleep…I get anxious and nervous and get hot then cold…I’ve never been like this. I’m usually so calm and collected. What is it that got into my head to make me feel this way?
The weight of everything on my shoulders needs to be lifted. I’ll find a way. I always do.
(This really should be part of a journal entry, but I feel like if I just tell everyone, it will go away.)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Flake, The Liar and the One who Thought he had it like that
Three different men.
Two different days.
One thing in common.
So, I’ve been in New York for a little over a month now. I’ve learned a few things, gone a few places and spent no money on shoes (sad face). Today, we’re talking about what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that Saturday nights make me sad because on my way home from work, I walk by many bars and restaurants where people are out with their significant other or their buddies…and I’m not out doing the same things; I’m walking home, alone. I’ve also learned that no matter how much I think that all this walking is working off all the unhealthy food I eat, it’s not…so Amy will start working out THIS WEEK. I’ve learned a lot more, but, I’m gonna get to the point of this blog now.
I’ve been on three dates since I’ve been here…three…and this is the impression I’ve gotten: NY men are douchebags. Well, being the girl I am, I’m gonna add a “so far” in there.
Date numero uno: The Flake. We met the first weekend I was here, at a club, in classic “Amy style.” But we didn’t actually go on a date until a month after I was here…why is that? Well we made plans for the Tuesday after I met him, but he never called to tell me what we were doing or what time. Then he apologized through text saying he was really, really sick and that we should plan on going out the next week. Then, no phone call again. When I text him, “you must be sick again.” He replies with, “no, it’s my week of rest.” (he’s Jewish apparently). Then we finally talk on the phone a week later and he asks me out to lunch the next day. But, then…I get a text saying he has a meeting to go to so we need to schedule it for the day after instead. So, surprise surprise when he calls to say he’s going to be over an hour late to lunch. For those of you that know me, you know I hate flakes…therefore, no matter how good the date was, I was only there for the free food.
Date numero dos: The Liar. We met at work. Another way that has been proven unworthy of an actual relationship… He was funny, he was sweet, he dresses the way I like, he talks the way I talk, he gets me, I get him. We talk for a good five hours….I’m barely working and so is he. We’re clicking…or so I thought. I get home from work and am going over the details with my roommate who I curse for never mentioning this man to me, when she says, “wait, what’s his name??” And then her mouth drops when she hears my reply. “Umm…Amy, he’s married.” No way! Not after all the clicking!! So, the next day, just like he says he will, he comes to visit me at work. I talked to him a little, but all I wanted to say was “why didn’t you tell me you were married?” (we talked about how we were single and our dating styles). And then, he came in the next day too. This time, he so casually asked me to go to the movies…or he invited himself along with me cause I had mentioned I don’t go alone…something like that. I immediately called my roommate and told her that she MUST come with us so she can say something about the “married” thing. And so, I surprised him with my roommate and her husband who he has talked to about his wife on many occasions to. It was very delightfully awkward. Then, my roommate asked him, “what’s going on?” He replies, “Oh, just hanging out with her.” And points to me. Oh how satisfying it is to capture someone in a lie! Then after the movie, I start to feel bad. Like, maybe I shouldn’t have done that because he told the roomies that it had been over for a while. I start to understand that, maybe he didn’t want to talk to someone he had only known for 5 hours about his issues. I understand…but a lie is a lie.
Date numero tres: the one who thought he had it like that. This date was accidental. This date happened on the same day as date number one. This date was hilarious and very entertaining. Here’s how it happened: I’m at the Baitshack, I’m working, it’s late, I’m hanging out with the bouncer when I feel someone staring at me. So I search the crowd and find him. He’s sitting at the bar and has a killer smile and eyes that say “daaaaaaaamn!” So I smile and go along with my job. But I keep catching his eye all night. I was so focused on the eyes that I didn’t even notice the girl he was talking to while he was looking at me. So immediately, I go over to my bouncer, Sam, and tell him about this. They guy (Justin) sees that we are obviously talking about him and comes up to me. He says, “What are you guys talking about?” I say, “I was just telling him about how much of a douchebag you are because you have been looking at me all night and you are obviously with that girl.” “Oh she’s just a friend. We came here to get a drink.” “Oh ok.” I say, with a smile. Then I observe. I observe, her all over him and him doing nothing to stop her. Then as he’s walking her out, he says, “I’ll be back in 5 to talk to you.” Wow! Men have some nerve. So I decided to mess with him. I stayed, I had a drink with him, flirted maliciously, made him think he’s gonna get something out of this, let him pay for my cab home, and then I didn’t give him my number or even a handshake goodbye. He just thought he had it like that.
So, needless to say, my impression of New York men, is not so good. But, if you all know me well enough, you know that I could care less. I’m always the optimistic one. Well, until the New York cynicism hits me, I suppose. We will see if it has any long term effects. For now, all I have to say is, “NEXT!”
Two different days.
One thing in common.
So, I’ve been in New York for a little over a month now. I’ve learned a few things, gone a few places and spent no money on shoes (sad face). Today, we’re talking about what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that Saturday nights make me sad because on my way home from work, I walk by many bars and restaurants where people are out with their significant other or their buddies…and I’m not out doing the same things; I’m walking home, alone. I’ve also learned that no matter how much I think that all this walking is working off all the unhealthy food I eat, it’s not…so Amy will start working out THIS WEEK. I’ve learned a lot more, but, I’m gonna get to the point of this blog now.
I’ve been on three dates since I’ve been here…three…and this is the impression I’ve gotten: NY men are douchebags. Well, being the girl I am, I’m gonna add a “so far” in there.
Date numero uno: The Flake. We met the first weekend I was here, at a club, in classic “Amy style.” But we didn’t actually go on a date until a month after I was here…why is that? Well we made plans for the Tuesday after I met him, but he never called to tell me what we were doing or what time. Then he apologized through text saying he was really, really sick and that we should plan on going out the next week. Then, no phone call again. When I text him, “you must be sick again.” He replies with, “no, it’s my week of rest.” (he’s Jewish apparently). Then we finally talk on the phone a week later and he asks me out to lunch the next day. But, then…I get a text saying he has a meeting to go to so we need to schedule it for the day after instead. So, surprise surprise when he calls to say he’s going to be over an hour late to lunch. For those of you that know me, you know I hate flakes…therefore, no matter how good the date was, I was only there for the free food.
Date numero dos: The Liar. We met at work. Another way that has been proven unworthy of an actual relationship… He was funny, he was sweet, he dresses the way I like, he talks the way I talk, he gets me, I get him. We talk for a good five hours….I’m barely working and so is he. We’re clicking…or so I thought. I get home from work and am going over the details with my roommate who I curse for never mentioning this man to me, when she says, “wait, what’s his name??” And then her mouth drops when she hears my reply. “Umm…Amy, he’s married.” No way! Not after all the clicking!! So, the next day, just like he says he will, he comes to visit me at work. I talked to him a little, but all I wanted to say was “why didn’t you tell me you were married?” (we talked about how we were single and our dating styles). And then, he came in the next day too. This time, he so casually asked me to go to the movies…or he invited himself along with me cause I had mentioned I don’t go alone…something like that. I immediately called my roommate and told her that she MUST come with us so she can say something about the “married” thing. And so, I surprised him with my roommate and her husband who he has talked to about his wife on many occasions to. It was very delightfully awkward. Then, my roommate asked him, “what’s going on?” He replies, “Oh, just hanging out with her.” And points to me. Oh how satisfying it is to capture someone in a lie! Then after the movie, I start to feel bad. Like, maybe I shouldn’t have done that because he told the roomies that it had been over for a while. I start to understand that, maybe he didn’t want to talk to someone he had only known for 5 hours about his issues. I understand…but a lie is a lie.
Date numero tres: the one who thought he had it like that. This date was accidental. This date happened on the same day as date number one. This date was hilarious and very entertaining. Here’s how it happened: I’m at the Baitshack, I’m working, it’s late, I’m hanging out with the bouncer when I feel someone staring at me. So I search the crowd and find him. He’s sitting at the bar and has a killer smile and eyes that say “daaaaaaaamn!” So I smile and go along with my job. But I keep catching his eye all night. I was so focused on the eyes that I didn’t even notice the girl he was talking to while he was looking at me. So immediately, I go over to my bouncer, Sam, and tell him about this. They guy (Justin) sees that we are obviously talking about him and comes up to me. He says, “What are you guys talking about?” I say, “I was just telling him about how much of a douchebag you are because you have been looking at me all night and you are obviously with that girl.” “Oh she’s just a friend. We came here to get a drink.” “Oh ok.” I say, with a smile. Then I observe. I observe, her all over him and him doing nothing to stop her. Then as he’s walking her out, he says, “I’ll be back in 5 to talk to you.” Wow! Men have some nerve. So I decided to mess with him. I stayed, I had a drink with him, flirted maliciously, made him think he’s gonna get something out of this, let him pay for my cab home, and then I didn’t give him my number or even a handshake goodbye. He just thought he had it like that.
So, needless to say, my impression of New York men, is not so good. But, if you all know me well enough, you know that I could care less. I’m always the optimistic one. Well, until the New York cynicism hits me, I suppose. We will see if it has any long term effects. For now, all I have to say is, “NEXT!”
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