I Choose My Choice!! Or Do I???

It’s crazy how really TIMING is EVERYTHING. Especially nowadays with this economy and how everyone is so fluid and flaky. People are moving in and out of New York like it’s the thing to do….like its pumpkin pancake day at IHOP. And although it’s probably the best time rent-wise to move here, it’s the worst time money-wise. Rent is low but you still can’t afford it without a decent job. Where and when do you get that balance? I’m having a crazy time with just that right now. But…making it work, so far.

It’s crazy to think how one conversation can change your life and send you off to another place. My friend in San Francisco was just talking to some random Joe Blow and the next week she had a job…in New York. And not just any job; a job in fashion…a job she wants…a job she can survive on here. And just by talking to someone.

Its crazy to think that even small things are affected by this time thing…like when I was running up and down stairs the other day (trying to be Beyonce) and I glanced up one time cause I heard some dude say something…and the next thing I know I’m tumbling down the stairs and trying not to cry. If only he would have talked 5 seconds later…I would have been gone! I blame him for my swollen ankle.

It’s mostly crazy to think that I can somehow challenge this whole timing thing and make it work to my benefit. Like I have a choice in the matter… I feel like I make choices all the time that affect my life in profound ways, but in the end…things always happen for a reason. So, is this reason already predestined? Am I really making my own choice…and if I’m not what’s the purpose of having a brain and thinking things through? It seems like all my choices are supposed to lead me somewhere. Things happen for a reason…an undisclosed reason because the universe has something in store for me, or something like that.

Hope is all I can do…hope that it will all work out in the end and the answers will come. Even if it doesn’t feel right at the time, I still have my choice to take it or leave it until I get what I want. The universe may have something in store for me, but I guess it’s my life-highway and I can choose to take a detour at any time and make it more interesting, even if the destination is still going to be the same.

And Her Name is Lucky

Today was a lovely fall day. The leaves are still green. The sky is gray, as I’ve been told it will be for most of the remaining year and into next. The air today was moist and cool. There was a light drizzle coming from the clouds all day. It’s perfect weather for me. Clear skies would feel wrong. I like the rain…surprisingly. I thought I would hate it since I came from the two states on the west coast that get hardly any precipitation. But, it suits me. I find myself excited for fall. Not just for the clothes. But, for the warm blankets and fluffy pillows I get to wake up in every morning (or afternoon). For hot chocolate, big coffee mugs and brothy soups. For the walks in the park watching the leaves change from green to orange and yellow. For cuddling up next to the heater and wearing long socks and beanies. Okay…and definitely for the clothes. I mean who doesn’t love wearing coats and boots? It’s just so fashionable…well if you have fashionable ones anyway…

Six (and a half) more months and I’ll have been in New York for a year. They say it takes a year before you make any friends or get a decent job or an apartment in the neighborhood you like. I can see that. I didn’t believe it until now. But it’s become painstakingly clear that “they” are right. New York can be a lonely city. I see people walking by themselves all day, everyday. I see people eating by themselves and watching movies by themselves. It’s all very new to me. I never ate a meal by myself before I moved here. I actually judged those people who did, and felt for sorry for them. But, for some reason, it’s not out of the norm in New York City. I really can’t tell if people even care about it. It seems like it is sometimes the only way to sit down and not think for a minute; to get a moment of peace in a city where nothing is peaceful. To not have to talk to anyone or think about where you’re going next for 30 minutes is like a mini vacation…for them. I suppose I will see in six (and a half) more months.

I was talking to one of the girls at work today about homeless people. I was telling her how last night I was walking home from work and this guy came up to me and asked me for food or ANYTHING I could give. I was so rude to him. I said a quick and mean, “NO” and kept walking. Halfway down the block, I stopped and turned back. I realized that I don’t want to be that person. This guy asked me for FOOD, not money. And, he is a person; a hungry person. So, I gave him a granola bar I had stuffed in my bag. I have never seen someone so grateful…and for just a granola bar. As I was walking home, I kept picturing how his face lit up when he saw me coming back…like I was some beacon of hope or something. And, I couldn’t help but think how stupid and selfish I am. Here I am feeling bad for myself because I don’t have a “real” job…when this guy is on the street and begging for food. It could be so much worse. And it is so much worse for so many others. I am lucky to have what I have. I don’t know why I never just realized that and been grateful. I guess, sometimes it just takes someone else to point it out. My someone else is the granola bar guy.

So I have a feeling tomorrow will be like today; gray, lonely, and full of self realization. I think I’ll sleep late, have some hot chocolate and go for a walk in the park in hopes of catching some color changing in the trees….while wearing a beanie and boots of course.

Sara Bareilles and I should be best friends

"Come Round Soon"



I could use another cigarette
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you
Like you were mine

All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder though
You've barely spoken
Oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
(He'll come round soon I know)
You may be my final match
'Cause I chase everything when you play
Throw and I play catch
It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me you miss me
You need me
This hungry heart will not subside

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
Until I see him again
I'm staying believing
That it won't be deceiving
When he's gonna come round

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart
I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today
Well who needs angels anyway?

Here We Go Again

On the eve of my faux-25th birthday, I sit here and contemplate the next steps I should/need/want/dread to take to make my life.

I should be looking for a job that will undoubtedly take me to the next step in my so-called career path. At this ripe old age, I could be so much more. By trying to not dwell on that, and only going over it in my head a few hundred times a day in the last week, I have accomplished nothing but disappointment. A promising internship with one of the most prestigious and well-known publishing companies is out of my reach and only because I am not currently enrolled in college and earning college credit for it. Just my luck. It’s all about who you know and who knows you…unless you have already graduated. Unless…

I need to do ALL my laundry. I have officially run out of clean towels and sheets. And, with a good friend sleeping in my bed and using my shower for the next week, I should clean them for her…if not for myself. I really don’t want to. I just want to be lazy. And I want to keep the reminders of why my sheets and towels are all dirty. After all, memories are all I have most of the time. And they are all good I must say. For the rest of my clothes, I could really care less. I have enough clothes to last me a month and a half without wearing the same thing twice. ….Ahhh, Retail therapy is the best kind. And, I still believe it’s cheaper than paying to tell a complete stranger your thoughts...and there’s always that young girl helping you out in the fitting room who wants to hear all your drama, or at least she acts like it.

I want to just sit here and sip my over-rated grande extra hot vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 days for the hundredth time. What is it about this movie that makes me want to watch it over and over like I did with Lion King and The Little Mermaid when I was younger? There are no songs to sing along to or monkeys and hyenas to laugh at….just Mathew Mcconaughey and Kate Hudson in the typical romantic comedy script and New York setting. It’s all fairytale. Maybe that’s what I like about it. The thing they have in common is losing something and then longing for it and then going after it. I guess that’s the story of my life. I wonder what my movie would be called. “Here We Go Again.”

I dread the thought of the last five hour work day before my week vacation in the smell of puke, Jack Daniels and BBQ sauce. I find when I get home now that I smell like marinated pork products and nachos with baked beans. It’s a feeling that I haven’t had since I worked at the local pizza place during my last year at River Valley High. The smell of food in your hair, all over your body, in your pores…its unappetizing and makes me feel like taking a scalding hot shower in the middle of the summer. And in my bathroom, with no vents or fans…that is just asking to die of heat exhaustion. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

But, all of these things will happen today….undoubtedly. Well except for actually watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. It will just play in the background as I fold my clothes and prepare for the arrival of one of my favorite friends. Happy Birthday to me.