And Her Name is Lucky

Today was a lovely fall day. The leaves are still green. The sky is gray, as I’ve been told it will be for most of the remaining year and into next. The air today was moist and cool. There was a light drizzle coming from the clouds all day. It’s perfect weather for me. Clear skies would feel wrong. I like the rain…surprisingly. I thought I would hate it since I came from the two states on the west coast that get hardly any precipitation. But, it suits me. I find myself excited for fall. Not just for the clothes. But, for the warm blankets and fluffy pillows I get to wake up in every morning (or afternoon). For hot chocolate, big coffee mugs and brothy soups. For the walks in the park watching the leaves change from green to orange and yellow. For cuddling up next to the heater and wearing long socks and beanies. Okay…and definitely for the clothes. I mean who doesn’t love wearing coats and boots? It’s just so fashionable…well if you have fashionable ones anyway…

Six (and a half) more months and I’ll have been in New York for a year. They say it takes a year before you make any friends or get a decent job or an apartment in the neighborhood you like. I can see that. I didn’t believe it until now. But it’s become painstakingly clear that “they” are right. New York can be a lonely city. I see people walking by themselves all day, everyday. I see people eating by themselves and watching movies by themselves. It’s all very new to me. I never ate a meal by myself before I moved here. I actually judged those people who did, and felt for sorry for them. But, for some reason, it’s not out of the norm in New York City. I really can’t tell if people even care about it. It seems like it is sometimes the only way to sit down and not think for a minute; to get a moment of peace in a city where nothing is peaceful. To not have to talk to anyone or think about where you’re going next for 30 minutes is like a mini vacation…for them. I suppose I will see in six (and a half) more months.

I was talking to one of the girls at work today about homeless people. I was telling her how last night I was walking home from work and this guy came up to me and asked me for food or ANYTHING I could give. I was so rude to him. I said a quick and mean, “NO” and kept walking. Halfway down the block, I stopped and turned back. I realized that I don’t want to be that person. This guy asked me for FOOD, not money. And, he is a person; a hungry person. So, I gave him a granola bar I had stuffed in my bag. I have never seen someone so grateful…and for just a granola bar. As I was walking home, I kept picturing how his face lit up when he saw me coming back…like I was some beacon of hope or something. And, I couldn’t help but think how stupid and selfish I am. Here I am feeling bad for myself because I don’t have a “real” job…when this guy is on the street and begging for food. It could be so much worse. And it is so much worse for so many others. I am lucky to have what I have. I don’t know why I never just realized that and been grateful. I guess, sometimes it just takes someone else to point it out. My someone else is the granola bar guy.

So I have a feeling tomorrow will be like today; gray, lonely, and full of self realization. I think I’ll sleep late, have some hot chocolate and go for a walk in the park in hopes of catching some color changing in the trees….while wearing a beanie and boots of course.