Homelessness is a Problem and a Half

There are over 32,000 homeless people living in the New York area according to the NYC Dept of Homeless Services. I wonder what percentage of these people are actually homeless…

Half of them sit useless on the sidewalk holding out a tattered old cup hoping for a couple coins; others are dancing and singing on the subways and streets for a few dollars an hour; and a few walk the streets begging for whatever we want to give them.

I find it hard to give; only because I see the same people day after day holding out that cup in the same exact spot. I hear the same songs echoing through the subway walls. And the worst of them all…I get the same reaction every time I offer food instead of money, “No, I’ll just ask someone else.”

And, it’s not just what they say that makes me do a double take, it’s that they say it in a rude way. Are they really that ungrateful or are they just trying to get money for whatever leisure they might enjoy (i.e. crack, cocaine and crap)?

A lady came up to me yesterday when it was pouring rain, she was crying, she was frantic about getting home to “Westchesta,” she was begging for anything. As soon as she said “Westchester,” I knew she was going to turn down food; she just wanted money. Why? There’s no way she’s from Westchester, stuck in the city, and trying to get back home. First of all, it cost $2.25 on the train to get up there. Second, there are no homeless people in Westchester.

I just happened to be going into the Health Food store we were standing right in front of, so I told her,“I’m not going to give you money, but I’m going into this store right now if you want anything.”
“Do they have chicken and biscuits??”
“No, it’s a health food store.”
“Do they have chips?”
“No, but they have protein bars and smoothies and bread and yogurt…”
“It’s ok, I’ll ask someone else.” (tears desist).

All I could say was “Really?!!?” Everyone is a damn actor in this city.

I don’t know what the world is coming to? Not only do I have to ask for a credit report and blood test from every man I meet, but now I have to ask the homeless people for their paperwork from the shelter before giving them money or food.

It’s New York; expect to be lied to, manipulated, used and pissed on before you exit the island.

The Daze Go By

It’s crazy how easy it is to zone out when you’re staring at a computer all day. My mind is moving but my eyes are not. The glare from the screen is undoubtedly blinding me slowly with its Ultraviolet rays. Yet every day I return to my screen in hopes that today it will be more interesting and the glazed over daze I fall into most days will cease existence. Today I have no such luck as I try to focus on what I am doing and not what is going on in my head. Sometimes I become so mesmerized by the screen that when someone approaches my desk for a moment of social interaction, I feel like a zombie and can’t bring myself to have a normal conversation.

Somehow through my daily daze I manage to accomplish finishing the work handed to me and walk out with nothing on my mind. I usually wonder as I’m leaving if I feel less stressed because I sat here thinking about myself all day or if it’s merely a feeling of relief that I am free to be out on the streets where my focus is not on the screen but on all the things moving around me. It might be that I am just too tired of thinking that my mind finally just goes blank. Is this what it feels like to have a day job?

I know that it is normal to question your life and the path it’s on, but I feel like I do that more than other people. It seems that other people keep jobs for two years or more, move up within a company and are satisfied with staying in one building for 10-20 years, only moving up…but not out (and sometimes not even up). I just don’t seem to be that happy with anything that I can do that. I’m always wondering, “What’s next?” and “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?” How does one ever really know if they are on the right path? Isn’t there always something better out there? Wait, isn’t that what people say when they have a commitment problem? (Enter Tom Leykis - http://www.blowmeuptom.com/)

There’s a long list of events and situations I have experienced in life that may have made me the way I am; always moving, never any consistency, always someone different in charge growing up, randomly changing hair colors…who knows? Well, besides the psychiatrist I refuse to visit.

In some ways all of this made me stronger, in others it makes me the non-commital type who flounders along in her own sea of randomness. I prefer to be the stronger version of myself, sometimes it’s just hard to see her through the forest of thoughts and questions.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating- in work, in play, in love. The act fills you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
- Anne Morriss

I stole this quote from a facebook page of a friend who has so many options that she finds it hard to commit to just one thing. She thinks it’s both a luxury and a curse, I think it’s because she’s just THAT talented. For me, this quote resonates deeply in my mind because of the fact that I don’t have a lot of choices, I just make rash decisions and hope for the best. I think I need a little commitment in my life.