I Choose My Choice!! Or Do I???

It’s crazy how really TIMING is EVERYTHING. Especially nowadays with this economy and how everyone is so fluid and flaky. People are moving in and out of New York like it’s the thing to do….like its pumpkin pancake day at IHOP. And although it’s probably the best time rent-wise to move here, it’s the worst time money-wise. Rent is low but you still can’t afford it without a decent job. Where and when do you get that balance? I’m having a crazy time with just that right now. But…making it work, so far.

It’s crazy to think how one conversation can change your life and send you off to another place. My friend in San Francisco was just talking to some random Joe Blow and the next week she had a job…in New York. And not just any job; a job in fashion…a job she wants…a job she can survive on here. And just by talking to someone.

Its crazy to think that even small things are affected by this time thing…like when I was running up and down stairs the other day (trying to be Beyonce) and I glanced up one time cause I heard some dude say something…and the next thing I know I’m tumbling down the stairs and trying not to cry. If only he would have talked 5 seconds later…I would have been gone! I blame him for my swollen ankle.

It’s mostly crazy to think that I can somehow challenge this whole timing thing and make it work to my benefit. Like I have a choice in the matter… I feel like I make choices all the time that affect my life in profound ways, but in the end…things always happen for a reason. So, is this reason already predestined? Am I really making my own choice…and if I’m not what’s the purpose of having a brain and thinking things through? It seems like all my choices are supposed to lead me somewhere. Things happen for a reason…an undisclosed reason because the universe has something in store for me, or something like that.

Hope is all I can do…hope that it will all work out in the end and the answers will come. Even if it doesn’t feel right at the time, I still have my choice to take it or leave it until I get what I want. The universe may have something in store for me, but I guess it’s my life-highway and I can choose to take a detour at any time and make it more interesting, even if the destination is still going to be the same.

And Her Name is Lucky

Today was a lovely fall day. The leaves are still green. The sky is gray, as I’ve been told it will be for most of the remaining year and into next. The air today was moist and cool. There was a light drizzle coming from the clouds all day. It’s perfect weather for me. Clear skies would feel wrong. I like the rain…surprisingly. I thought I would hate it since I came from the two states on the west coast that get hardly any precipitation. But, it suits me. I find myself excited for fall. Not just for the clothes. But, for the warm blankets and fluffy pillows I get to wake up in every morning (or afternoon). For hot chocolate, big coffee mugs and brothy soups. For the walks in the park watching the leaves change from green to orange and yellow. For cuddling up next to the heater and wearing long socks and beanies. Okay…and definitely for the clothes. I mean who doesn’t love wearing coats and boots? It’s just so fashionable…well if you have fashionable ones anyway…

Six (and a half) more months and I’ll have been in New York for a year. They say it takes a year before you make any friends or get a decent job or an apartment in the neighborhood you like. I can see that. I didn’t believe it until now. But it’s become painstakingly clear that “they” are right. New York can be a lonely city. I see people walking by themselves all day, everyday. I see people eating by themselves and watching movies by themselves. It’s all very new to me. I never ate a meal by myself before I moved here. I actually judged those people who did, and felt for sorry for them. But, for some reason, it’s not out of the norm in New York City. I really can’t tell if people even care about it. It seems like it is sometimes the only way to sit down and not think for a minute; to get a moment of peace in a city where nothing is peaceful. To not have to talk to anyone or think about where you’re going next for 30 minutes is like a mini vacation…for them. I suppose I will see in six (and a half) more months.

I was talking to one of the girls at work today about homeless people. I was telling her how last night I was walking home from work and this guy came up to me and asked me for food or ANYTHING I could give. I was so rude to him. I said a quick and mean, “NO” and kept walking. Halfway down the block, I stopped and turned back. I realized that I don’t want to be that person. This guy asked me for FOOD, not money. And, he is a person; a hungry person. So, I gave him a granola bar I had stuffed in my bag. I have never seen someone so grateful…and for just a granola bar. As I was walking home, I kept picturing how his face lit up when he saw me coming back…like I was some beacon of hope or something. And, I couldn’t help but think how stupid and selfish I am. Here I am feeling bad for myself because I don’t have a “real” job…when this guy is on the street and begging for food. It could be so much worse. And it is so much worse for so many others. I am lucky to have what I have. I don’t know why I never just realized that and been grateful. I guess, sometimes it just takes someone else to point it out. My someone else is the granola bar guy.

So I have a feeling tomorrow will be like today; gray, lonely, and full of self realization. I think I’ll sleep late, have some hot chocolate and go for a walk in the park in hopes of catching some color changing in the trees….while wearing a beanie and boots of course.

Sara Bareilles and I should be best friends

"Come Round Soon"



I could use another cigarette
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you
Like you were mine

All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder though
You've barely spoken
Oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
(He'll come round soon I know)
You may be my final match
'Cause I chase everything when you play
Throw and I play catch
It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me you miss me
You need me
This hungry heart will not subside

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
Until I see him again
I'm staying believing
That it won't be deceiving
When he's gonna come round

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart
I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today
Well who needs angels anyway?

Here We Go Again

On the eve of my faux-25th birthday, I sit here and contemplate the next steps I should/need/want/dread to take to make my life.

I should be looking for a job that will undoubtedly take me to the next step in my so-called career path. At this ripe old age, I could be so much more. By trying to not dwell on that, and only going over it in my head a few hundred times a day in the last week, I have accomplished nothing but disappointment. A promising internship with one of the most prestigious and well-known publishing companies is out of my reach and only because I am not currently enrolled in college and earning college credit for it. Just my luck. It’s all about who you know and who knows you…unless you have already graduated. Unless…

I need to do ALL my laundry. I have officially run out of clean towels and sheets. And, with a good friend sleeping in my bed and using my shower for the next week, I should clean them for her…if not for myself. I really don’t want to. I just want to be lazy. And I want to keep the reminders of why my sheets and towels are all dirty. After all, memories are all I have most of the time. And they are all good I must say. For the rest of my clothes, I could really care less. I have enough clothes to last me a month and a half without wearing the same thing twice. ….Ahhh, Retail therapy is the best kind. And, I still believe it’s cheaper than paying to tell a complete stranger your thoughts...and there’s always that young girl helping you out in the fitting room who wants to hear all your drama, or at least she acts like it.

I want to just sit here and sip my over-rated grande extra hot vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 days for the hundredth time. What is it about this movie that makes me want to watch it over and over like I did with Lion King and The Little Mermaid when I was younger? There are no songs to sing along to or monkeys and hyenas to laugh at….just Mathew Mcconaughey and Kate Hudson in the typical romantic comedy script and New York setting. It’s all fairytale. Maybe that’s what I like about it. The thing they have in common is losing something and then longing for it and then going after it. I guess that’s the story of my life. I wonder what my movie would be called. “Here We Go Again.”

I dread the thought of the last five hour work day before my week vacation in the smell of puke, Jack Daniels and BBQ sauce. I find when I get home now that I smell like marinated pork products and nachos with baked beans. It’s a feeling that I haven’t had since I worked at the local pizza place during my last year at River Valley High. The smell of food in your hair, all over your body, in your pores…its unappetizing and makes me feel like taking a scalding hot shower in the middle of the summer. And in my bathroom, with no vents or fans…that is just asking to die of heat exhaustion. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

But, all of these things will happen today….undoubtedly. Well except for actually watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. It will just play in the background as I fold my clothes and prepare for the arrival of one of my favorite friends. Happy Birthday to me.

Love on The Rocks

One part me and one part you….a mix that tastes and feels so good.

As soon as it hits my lips, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling. It burns to the touch but tickles my nose and gives me butterflies. With each encounter I want more and more.

I sip it slow cause it’s so nice. I can take it down with one gulp, but don’t want to let go of that high. It’s cold as ice, but warms the heart at all the right times.

One more, that’s all I need…at least that’s why I proceed. Even as the blindness starts, tongue-tied and twisted, I can’t say no. My senses disabled, I have no idea where to go.

Headache and Heartache are inevitable. In a daze, the memories come and go. Good and bad but unforgettable. Flashing lights and crooked signs, it’s crazy to go on this time.

One part me and one part you…dangerous if it’s too much.

We’re a lovely creation. At times it’s hard to see. I can’t help myself and crave the mix of joy and pain you give me.

My friends say I look better without you. I just pretend I’m listening and do it again. It’s hard to say where you’ll take me. Forget the truth, this feels too good.

Even when I don’t want to, it’s hard to control. Something is bringing me back to you. All my fragile strength is gone and I need you. Please hold me back or let me go.

Here I am with one more shot, one more try. One last chance to feel that high. One last sip and then I’m gone. I really am not all that strong.

Here’s to hoping for the best.

One part me and one part you....

And Your Heart Will Have Peace

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.” --Kent Nerburn

This quote made me cry the first time I read it. With every sentence I read, more and more I realized that I was meant to find this tonight. The first thing I thought was to post the quote on facebook. But when it didn’t fit in my “status,” I was suddenly motivated to write a blog about it.

When I came to New York, it was completely selfish. It was a choice I made based on the fact that I felt like nothing where I was. My career had gone nowhere since I graduated from college, my friends were moving on and up…finding love, finding jobs, finding themselves. And I wasn’t. Being here, with no one else, still makes me feel like nothing. I have found myself…and I’m not happy with the discovery.

But, this is not a pity party I invited you to; this is going to be a happy story filled with motivation and inspiration.

Today, I am working at a job that I know I am better than. I have a Bachelors degree that I have not put to use since I achieved it. I have passions and skills that are wasting away with every humid hateful day. I’ve been looking for jobs, but not really applying to them. And, when I do apply, I feel like I manifest my own destiny. I don’t follow through, I sit here thinking I’m not going to get it because there’s people out there that are better than me. When in reality, anyone unemployed right now probably feels the same rejection I felt when they lost their job, feels like there’s thousands upon thousands of people vying for the same position and feels useless against the onslaught of a deeper and deeper recession and dwindling job market. But like Kent said, “we are children of chance and none can say why some fields blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun.” Our lives depend on chance. It depends on where we go, who we meet, what we say…

Tomorrow, there is something I can do to increase my chances, and that is to make a choice. To choose to be one of the unemployed wanderers of Central Park, or be the weekend Central Park go-er…who has an eight o’clock appointment with the 6 train everyday on her way to work. This choice is made when I decide to dig deeper within myself and find the confidence to go for it. My motivation is coming from a current situation I’m in. I know someone that is doing this for himself everyday; stressing about it and searching for the way out, just like I should be. It’s funny because I am trying to be motivating to him, and I am not even doing it for myself. “Give in any way you can.”

Recently, I was put in a situation where I had to choose my pride and principal or a friendship that I’ve always cared deeply for. The things that were said and the choices that were made were incomprehensible to me. I felt hurt and so mad. I felt like everything I have ever done was of no matter. All the trust I built over the years meant nothing. It’s crazy the things that you learn about people when you’re with them everyday. And, I’m actually happy for it. Not only did I see my friendship in a different light, but I saw myself on a whole other level. I saw the things I would give up for someone else and I saw how it would hurt everyone involved and without repair. I didn’t choose my pride and principal, I chose my friendship. I know that it’s hard for people to have the tolerance I have or to be open-minded the way I was taught. I know that my choices in life have brought different light into my life that I can’t always expect from others. Everybody is different and although it might not always be easy, the way you react to things says everything about you…and we have to keep that in mind. “Look past your differences.” I can only hope to bring a different light to their lives.

I beat myself up on a daily basis for the things I do. And I still don’t know what’s wrong or right or if I have made the right choices in the last few months. But, I know that being selfish has no happy ending. If you’re selfish, you will end up alone. I’ve realized as a young adult (just turning 25), that if I care about someone, I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I have been told that I’m too nice and I have to be careful of people who will take advantage and use me as a doormat. I hear it, and I’ve actually been through it enough to know that I should know better. I have always been a forgiving person and see no detriment except that the wall around me gets a little taller each time. But, it’s not hard to break through. It’s hideously beautiful, I think. “To give is to love.” And love I am.

So why is this quote so different tonight? Why do I think I found it tonight for a reason? Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I’ve been staring at emails I sent to myself for positions in publishing. I also had a pre-mature conversation that really made me think about what I want in life. And, although this quote doesn’t totally help me there; it helped me realize that I have so much to look forward to. And although, the past few months have been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions, it will all be worth it in the end. This quote reminds me of who I am and the way I think. And, that there’s nothing wrong with me. I have always lived by this. It makes me know that it’s okay to not always harvest your own growth. I think people are put in others lives for a reason. I know that I have given and given to so many people. Some people were just born givers and some people takers. And I realize that it is not where I am, but who I am and what I can give that matters. It helps me to not hold things against myself and know that in the end, I will be happy that I always gave it my all. “Your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”

Being scared never looked good on me

I’m so afraid of everything and I have no idea why…

Maybe, I have a problem with commitment.

I will find a great job and then not post my resume because I feel like if I think this job is great then everyone else will too, and I don’t measure up to them. I’m scared of the yet another rejection. Or I’m scared that I’ll accept a position and then find out it’s not right for me…yet again. I don’t want to waste any more time at any new job…but I can’t commit to one area of interest, one path, one job title…I feel like I’m interested in so many things and I have no idea what to do with myself. I have passion for writing and passion for the fashion industry…but what if that passion doesn’t translate? Then…I’ll get fired again? Or I’ll have to start over again. It sucks to feel this way and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I guess just realizing I have a problem is the first step.

I know I seem confident in everything I do, but I’m not…its fake…I don’t know how to make what is projected, reality.

Also, I always thought it was the guys I date that were the problem, but I’m starting to realize that it’s me. I start to like someone and then right when they like me, I find something wrong, or I don’t feel right about it for some reason. I thought I was having this struggle right now, on a very small level, but I’m not. There is nothing wrong…nothing at all. I think I just get scared and try to find things to change my mind about how I feel. I don’t want to do it anymore. And I know that everything happens for a reason and that in the past, it was probably my intuition kicking in and telling me “no.” I feel like I will know when it’s right. I’m always looking for that spark, that magic, that connection. I feel it all, and I’m scared.

In reality, I know that given a chance, I can make things happen…I can be who I want to be. I’m just so in my head right now, I can’t even sleep…I get anxious and nervous and get hot then cold…I’ve never been like this. I’m usually so calm and collected. What is it that got into my head to make me feel this way?

The weight of everything on my shoulders needs to be lifted. I’ll find a way. I always do.

(This really should be part of a journal entry, but I feel like if I just tell everyone, it will go away.)