A Day at the Office

As soon as my alarm went off this morning, I knew it was going to be just one of those days. After working a ten hour shift at BJs serving nachos and Bud Light draft to happy “Sunday Funday” enthusiasts, half-drunk-half-hungover, I fell into my ice cold bed and switched my electric blanket to the hottest setting. This was around two in the morning. Almost five hours later, I woke up thinking about how to get ready the fastest way possible so I could sleep just a little longer. Realizing that no matter how early I woke up I would still be running late, I decided to forgo the usual snooze button ritual and just get up.

The walk to the green line was only half-bad considering it snowed only a day and half ago. What I remember to be a white, smooth and fluffy pillow of snow is now brown, chunky slush / slippery ice. I only half-fell twice on my walk up and to my surprise the train arrived right after I did. I felt relieved when I realized that I might just make it to work on time today…but then that moment passed as soon as I saw the train was packed so tight that people were smashed up against every window with bulging eyes and a slight sense of panic in their faces. My claustrophobia almost prevented me from boarding the train but lucky for me (and for my fellow train riders), some people exited and made just enough room for me to squeeze in without the risk of my face becoming a permanent fixture on this six trains window. For some reason, when its cold outside the people of MTA think the trains need to be heated even though the sheer amount of body heat, wool and tweed on one car could keep a small country warm.

This brings me to my theory on why New Yorkers are always sick; hot, cold, hot, cold, combined with no toilet seat covers in the bathrooms and the obnoxious amount of people who seem to consciously wipe their noses and touch things. For this reason, I avoid touching anything on the train, doorknobs or faucets unless there is no other choice.

So I got to the temp agency just in time, 8 a.m. And I am the first person to sign in; which means I will get sent out on a job for sure. But, after an hour of reading about Robert Pattinson and admiring all the shiny fashion advertising in Vanity Fair I started to doubt if I would leave that fluffy blue chair before five. Then the lady with all the power called my name and sent me on my way. IT Design needs a receptionist and apparently I am the girl for the job. I get a little nervous knowing I made it seem like I have more reception experience than I actually do…but really, how hard can it be?

So I walk in and a girl in a brown fur coat that smells like fur sits me at a desk and explains how the phone works, not too bad. Then after a couple minutes she gives me seven gift boxes to pack and wrap with their holiday gifts nestled neatly inside. If there is one thing that I hate, its wrapping presents. I hate all things “wrap” and prefer to give presents in bags with handles and cute glittery tissue billowing out of it. Don’t get me wrong, if someone wants to wrap something for me (anything really), no problem…but I’m a bag wrapper. So at this point, I started dreading this day. But, seven boxes only took me about 20 minutes to complete and that was all they had for me. When I say “all,” I mean all. My only job was to answer the phone and transfer calls. I’m all for getting paid to do nothing; I just wish I had brought that Vanity Fair with me. So after a few minutes, I begin to stare into the only picture in the office; a black and white photo of a forest. And as I’m walking through the imaginary green silky grass toward my red convertible corvette, I so conspicuously parked deep in the forest among the thick pine trees; I try to figure out how I got there on the barely visible dirt path my imaginary tires made. This doesn’t work, however. There really is no way I would ever drive to the middle of the forest and park and then get out and walk around by myself…and I would never be seen driving a corvette. So I daze off into the fake orange and pink daisies on my desk and wonder how long it will take me to get a job I can’t daydream at.

The phone breaks my concentration and I answer, “IT Design, how may I help you?” Because this company is primarily India-based and has a large amount of Indian clientele and Indian business partners, I have a hard time understanding the name of the person the customer wants to speak with. “Kit-is” she says, “I need Kit-is.” At least “Kit-is” is what I hear. I look down the list of people for something that looks like “Kit-is.” Nothing. So I accidently hang up. After a couple minutes of panic, the phone rings again. Her again. This time I ask her to spell the name of the person she needs. “K-S-H-I-T-I-Z, she spells, and I find it on the list. I don’t feel so bad when I hear the brown fur coat girl giggling at me. She says it’s always funny when someone comes to help out. I guess I’m glad I can provide some entertainment on this otherwise mundane afternoon. And this is how my day went on. After a while, the names became familiar and I didn’t feel like I was offending every person I came in contact with. With only about three phone calls an hour, I did a lot of staring and counting ceiling tiles. Toward the end of the day, I decided to stare at the clock and try to count the seconds at exactly the same rate the second hand was moving along. I was always taught, “One-Mississippi” was equal to one second. But today, “One-Mississippi” seemed like “One-Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Indeed, a long day at the office. At 4:20, they decide to close up ( I don’t speculate as to why…), and I am literally ecstatic for the extra 40 minutes of my life I had deemed lost forever.

I guess reception is just not my thing. Hopefully tomorrow brings a new adventure, perhaps one that takes me down to the Meat-Packing District or Fifth Avenue…perhaps?

Every Morsel Counts

The summer days were amazing. The hours were full of beautiful lively trees blowing in the sweet breeze, lush green grass and the thick scent of flowers and sunscreen. New Yorkers basking in the hot, hot sun scattered like raindrops all over the Great Lawn playing football, throwing Frisbees and reading magazines…all in a summer’s day. Tourists took over the city in troves and locals left to the Hamptons for their much needed escape from the heat on those extra hot weekends.

The fall has a special allure. Brisk walks don’t feel so hard with the thinning air. The leaves are yellow or orange, even red. Every gust of air seems to have 400 leaves floating down escaping life stuck on the branches, to fall to the sidewalks creating a crispy cover for New Yorkers to walk upon and kick up. The tourists have escaped the city before the most beautiful time of year. The locals can’t help but enjoy the peacefulness the change in the trees provides and the Hamptons are deserted for life among concrete and trains until next summer rears its dreadfully gorgeous head again.

All of this is true about New York; at least that’s what I’ve heard. I remember a couple days like this. But as far as details, it’s all hear-say. See, for most of the summer, I was stuck in bed typing along on my computer hoping for a glimpse of the guy I called my boyfriend, who lived an hour and a half away. I was neglecting my job search, I was neglecting my aspirations, I was sad and lonely. I thought it was all part of the transition of moving to a new city. I wasn’t really thinking about enjoying the seasons, I was only thinking about this man and me, and making it work. I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did this past summer. I needed my friends more than ever. I needed a life outside of him, but couldn’t make it happen. I was pathetic, I was sad, I was ridiculous. I don’t usually admit I regret anything; I’m one of those “I don’t regret anything cause I learned from it” kind of people, but I regret letting myself feel so sad and lonely.

As New York approaches the end of fall, I have finally got to enjoy the weather and get out of my bed ridden computer funk. Running through Central Park in the fall is more beautiful than I could have imagined. The trunks of the trees seem so dark and cold with their hard black exterior. But as I look up and into their outstretched bodies among the man-made forest, I see the bright yellow leaves clinging on for dear life. I see squirrels frolicking so freely among the branches hoping the acorns don’t disappear too quickly as their very existence rests on savoring every last morsel. And, as I jog along, I realize my life is very similar to the squirrels; I’m free to do whatever I wish, and if I have to grab every small piece of hope from the trees as I can, I will make it through the winter and perhaps make it the life I always wanted. And I’m grateful for every morsel.

I Choose My Choice!! Or Do I???

It’s crazy how really TIMING is EVERYTHING. Especially nowadays with this economy and how everyone is so fluid and flaky. People are moving in and out of New York like it’s the thing to do….like its pumpkin pancake day at IHOP. And although it’s probably the best time rent-wise to move here, it’s the worst time money-wise. Rent is low but you still can’t afford it without a decent job. Where and when do you get that balance? I’m having a crazy time with just that right now. But…making it work, so far.

It’s crazy to think how one conversation can change your life and send you off to another place. My friend in San Francisco was just talking to some random Joe Blow and the next week she had a job…in New York. And not just any job; a job in fashion…a job she wants…a job she can survive on here. And just by talking to someone.

Its crazy to think that even small things are affected by this time thing…like when I was running up and down stairs the other day (trying to be Beyonce) and I glanced up one time cause I heard some dude say something…and the next thing I know I’m tumbling down the stairs and trying not to cry. If only he would have talked 5 seconds later…I would have been gone! I blame him for my swollen ankle.

It’s mostly crazy to think that I can somehow challenge this whole timing thing and make it work to my benefit. Like I have a choice in the matter… I feel like I make choices all the time that affect my life in profound ways, but in the end…things always happen for a reason. So, is this reason already predestined? Am I really making my own choice…and if I’m not what’s the purpose of having a brain and thinking things through? It seems like all my choices are supposed to lead me somewhere. Things happen for a reason…an undisclosed reason because the universe has something in store for me, or something like that.

Hope is all I can do…hope that it will all work out in the end and the answers will come. Even if it doesn’t feel right at the time, I still have my choice to take it or leave it until I get what I want. The universe may have something in store for me, but I guess it’s my life-highway and I can choose to take a detour at any time and make it more interesting, even if the destination is still going to be the same.

And Her Name is Lucky

Today was a lovely fall day. The leaves are still green. The sky is gray, as I’ve been told it will be for most of the remaining year and into next. The air today was moist and cool. There was a light drizzle coming from the clouds all day. It’s perfect weather for me. Clear skies would feel wrong. I like the rain…surprisingly. I thought I would hate it since I came from the two states on the west coast that get hardly any precipitation. But, it suits me. I find myself excited for fall. Not just for the clothes. But, for the warm blankets and fluffy pillows I get to wake up in every morning (or afternoon). For hot chocolate, big coffee mugs and brothy soups. For the walks in the park watching the leaves change from green to orange and yellow. For cuddling up next to the heater and wearing long socks and beanies. Okay…and definitely for the clothes. I mean who doesn’t love wearing coats and boots? It’s just so fashionable…well if you have fashionable ones anyway…

Six (and a half) more months and I’ll have been in New York for a year. They say it takes a year before you make any friends or get a decent job or an apartment in the neighborhood you like. I can see that. I didn’t believe it until now. But it’s become painstakingly clear that “they” are right. New York can be a lonely city. I see people walking by themselves all day, everyday. I see people eating by themselves and watching movies by themselves. It’s all very new to me. I never ate a meal by myself before I moved here. I actually judged those people who did, and felt for sorry for them. But, for some reason, it’s not out of the norm in New York City. I really can’t tell if people even care about it. It seems like it is sometimes the only way to sit down and not think for a minute; to get a moment of peace in a city where nothing is peaceful. To not have to talk to anyone or think about where you’re going next for 30 minutes is like a mini vacation…for them. I suppose I will see in six (and a half) more months.

I was talking to one of the girls at work today about homeless people. I was telling her how last night I was walking home from work and this guy came up to me and asked me for food or ANYTHING I could give. I was so rude to him. I said a quick and mean, “NO” and kept walking. Halfway down the block, I stopped and turned back. I realized that I don’t want to be that person. This guy asked me for FOOD, not money. And, he is a person; a hungry person. So, I gave him a granola bar I had stuffed in my bag. I have never seen someone so grateful…and for just a granola bar. As I was walking home, I kept picturing how his face lit up when he saw me coming back…like I was some beacon of hope or something. And, I couldn’t help but think how stupid and selfish I am. Here I am feeling bad for myself because I don’t have a “real” job…when this guy is on the street and begging for food. It could be so much worse. And it is so much worse for so many others. I am lucky to have what I have. I don’t know why I never just realized that and been grateful. I guess, sometimes it just takes someone else to point it out. My someone else is the granola bar guy.

So I have a feeling tomorrow will be like today; gray, lonely, and full of self realization. I think I’ll sleep late, have some hot chocolate and go for a walk in the park in hopes of catching some color changing in the trees….while wearing a beanie and boots of course.

Sara Bareilles and I should be best friends

"Come Round Soon"



I could use another cigarette
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you
Like you were mine

All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder though
You've barely spoken
Oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
(He'll come round soon I know)
You may be my final match
'Cause I chase everything when you play
Throw and I play catch
It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me you miss me
You need me
This hungry heart will not subside

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
Until I see him again
I'm staying believing
That it won't be deceiving
When he's gonna come round

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart
I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today
Well who needs angels anyway?

Here We Go Again

On the eve of my faux-25th birthday, I sit here and contemplate the next steps I should/need/want/dread to take to make my life.

I should be looking for a job that will undoubtedly take me to the next step in my so-called career path. At this ripe old age, I could be so much more. By trying to not dwell on that, and only going over it in my head a few hundred times a day in the last week, I have accomplished nothing but disappointment. A promising internship with one of the most prestigious and well-known publishing companies is out of my reach and only because I am not currently enrolled in college and earning college credit for it. Just my luck. It’s all about who you know and who knows you…unless you have already graduated. Unless…

I need to do ALL my laundry. I have officially run out of clean towels and sheets. And, with a good friend sleeping in my bed and using my shower for the next week, I should clean them for her…if not for myself. I really don’t want to. I just want to be lazy. And I want to keep the reminders of why my sheets and towels are all dirty. After all, memories are all I have most of the time. And they are all good I must say. For the rest of my clothes, I could really care less. I have enough clothes to last me a month and a half without wearing the same thing twice. ….Ahhh, Retail therapy is the best kind. And, I still believe it’s cheaper than paying to tell a complete stranger your thoughts...and there’s always that young girl helping you out in the fitting room who wants to hear all your drama, or at least she acts like it.

I want to just sit here and sip my over-rated grande extra hot vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 days for the hundredth time. What is it about this movie that makes me want to watch it over and over like I did with Lion King and The Little Mermaid when I was younger? There are no songs to sing along to or monkeys and hyenas to laugh at….just Mathew Mcconaughey and Kate Hudson in the typical romantic comedy script and New York setting. It’s all fairytale. Maybe that’s what I like about it. The thing they have in common is losing something and then longing for it and then going after it. I guess that’s the story of my life. I wonder what my movie would be called. “Here We Go Again.”

I dread the thought of the last five hour work day before my week vacation in the smell of puke, Jack Daniels and BBQ sauce. I find when I get home now that I smell like marinated pork products and nachos with baked beans. It’s a feeling that I haven’t had since I worked at the local pizza place during my last year at River Valley High. The smell of food in your hair, all over your body, in your pores…its unappetizing and makes me feel like taking a scalding hot shower in the middle of the summer. And in my bathroom, with no vents or fans…that is just asking to die of heat exhaustion. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

But, all of these things will happen today….undoubtedly. Well except for actually watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. It will just play in the background as I fold my clothes and prepare for the arrival of one of my favorite friends. Happy Birthday to me.

Love on The Rocks

One part me and one part you….a mix that tastes and feels so good.

As soon as it hits my lips, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling. It burns to the touch but tickles my nose and gives me butterflies. With each encounter I want more and more.

I sip it slow cause it’s so nice. I can take it down with one gulp, but don’t want to let go of that high. It’s cold as ice, but warms the heart at all the right times.

One more, that’s all I need…at least that’s why I proceed. Even as the blindness starts, tongue-tied and twisted, I can’t say no. My senses disabled, I have no idea where to go.

Headache and Heartache are inevitable. In a daze, the memories come and go. Good and bad but unforgettable. Flashing lights and crooked signs, it’s crazy to go on this time.

One part me and one part you…dangerous if it’s too much.

We’re a lovely creation. At times it’s hard to see. I can’t help myself and crave the mix of joy and pain you give me.

My friends say I look better without you. I just pretend I’m listening and do it again. It’s hard to say where you’ll take me. Forget the truth, this feels too good.

Even when I don’t want to, it’s hard to control. Something is bringing me back to you. All my fragile strength is gone and I need you. Please hold me back or let me go.

Here I am with one more shot, one more try. One last chance to feel that high. One last sip and then I’m gone. I really am not all that strong.

Here’s to hoping for the best.

One part me and one part you....